The usually-bustling Short Journey Retreat Center was silent this weekend, but not empty. This weekend, I and other students came together to partake in a weekend of silent personal prayer – a silent retreat. 

I have never been in a situation where my friends and I had to be silent for an extended period of time. I thought this would be difficult, but I soon realized I was not here to partake in a group retreat; I was here for myself. 

It was “twenty-five separate retreats going on at the same time,” said Fr. Luke Rawicki.

Spending more than an hour in silence is often hard for me, so leading up to these 48 hours in complete silence, I was nervous but also very excited. I was excited to leave the earthly distractions and noise of school, work, my phone, and social media behind and hopefully find peace. Little did I know, putting those things aside, I would discover the noise.

Finding Patience in Prayer

My whole life, I always believed prayer to be this ultra-reverent thing that you could only do while kneeling, in a chapel, and with your hands folded. I was never patient enough for this; I always found my thoughts in what’s for dinner, or what I needed to tell my friends. I sought an easier conversation with God, and on this retreat, I found my patience in prayer, but not the way I believed prayer to always be.

The weather was beautiful, with clear skies, a slight breeze, and a perfect location for a walk. I set out walking laps around the retreat center, rosary in hand. 

This was new for me. 

Usually, if I were to do this, I would get easily distracted by anything, I would suddenly need to go to the bathroom, or realize I’m randomly hungry or want to text my friend. But, shocking myself, I completed the rosary, still focused on the prayer, not rushing, and finding patience in this devotion to Mary. 

As I walked back to the deck, I looked around and soaked in the beauty of the world around me, not only the nature of the earth, but the beauty of the prayer I was witnessing. 

I realized in that moment that prayer doesn’t have to be this overly-complicated action. People found prayer in going on a walk, meditating on the deck, or kicking a ball around in the field. It was beautiful, seeing everyone immersed in personal silence and prayer in their own forms.

Seeing how open and willing classmates were to being open to new forms, so did I. I opened myself to being vulnerable to God and what he had in store for me. This time, instead of talking to God, I let God speak to me, letting myself listen. Here is where I found the true silence.

“Satan, get behind me”

Anxiety has been a struggle of mine my whole life—overthinking, overanalyzing, overdoing every emotion. The only way to calm my nerves was to get this emotion out: talking, talking to others, or simply talking to myself. Going from 100 miles-per-hour days to slow days at Short Journey was overwhelming. I thought I had put the noise to the side for the weekend, going off the grid from school, work, and my social life. 

But here is where I found the true noise of what was keeping me stagnate in my faith.

The thought of God loving you greater than you could ever imagine is intimidating. Or, at least for me, it was something I always struggled to wrap my head around. How could I sin this much, but God could still forgive me when I can barely forgive myself? I was so over my head in denial that God could not possibly love me that much, that I didn’t realize that was the devil speaking to me, the noise. 

God answered these questions through Fr. Markus and Fr. Luke, leaving me in a state of true, real peace, not this fake peace, I was convincing myself it was fulfilling me.

Confession, a sacrament many Catholics are intimidated by, is confessing your sins to a priest. One, I often found myself making excuses not to go. I was scared, I was so convinced these sins I committed were too embarrassing or too deep that God could never forgive me, or I just couldn’t forgive myself. But God spoke through Fr. Markus, and he answered my question unlike any person had ever before.

“In confession, God not only forgives your sins, but forgets your sins.” said Fr. Markus.

It is solely up to the person if they want to free themselves of that burden and accept that forgiveness.

When I expressed myself feeling this way to my older brother, Nathan, he answered in a way I never expected, but truly changed my mindset. 

He told me I needed to humble myself, when you get into the mindset of saying God cannot forgive you, that is you implying that you are too far gone that even God can’t reach you. 

“Satan, get behind me,” he reminded me to say to myself when I got into that mindset, because being realistic, everyone will often find the devil tempting them through their thoughts. Being vulnerable with God is hard, and it will take time, but for now, you and I can just trust He’s working in our lives in ways He knows are best.

While I went into this weekend thinking it was gonna be a breeze because I already thought I had found what peace was to me, I went out discovering the true trust of God. 

That’s where I found real peace.